What does being a people pleaser mean?
Dr Madeleine Amie 
Having difficulty with people-pleasing isn’t always obvious. It can be invisible to others, especially when other people tend to benefit from your childhood conditioning in the form of being supportive and helpful of others. It does not look like how some people might imagine people-pleasing to be e.g. blatantly sucking up to your boss or constantly telling a friend how amazing they are and wish you were like them.
People-pleasing is often much more subtle than that and it is often difficult for other people to recognise. Usually, the person who has difficulty with chronic people-pleasing is suffering on the inside unbeknownst to those around them. To others they may look like they have it all together and can manage everything just fine.
Quite often people pleasers are high functioning and very capable. They might be very good at organising, planning, and taking action to get things done. They might be great problem solvers or have good networks to be able to pull people together to achieve common goals. The people pleasers of the community go above and beyond to make things happen and from the outside looking in, they may be viewed as efficient and capable – which they are, and which makes them especially good people pleasers.
People pleasers tend to have a higher threshold for saying ‘No’. Maybe they feel they can take on much larger amounts of stress than other people can manage, or they have a belief in themselves that they will be able to help manage taking on more tasks even when they have a huge amount of pressure on themselves. Sometimes the need to help alleviate other people’s emotions, stress, and pressure can lead people pleasers to take on much more than they should without stepping on the brakes.
People pleasers can have a great ability to do things for others, complete tasks effectively at work, and handle higher workloads. By default, the expectations others have of them in the workplace or in their personal lives can grow higher and higher. At work they may appear easy to work with, agreeable, and highly competent. However, they may be under an incredible amount of pressure trying to stay on top of everything.
Chronic flexibility and always being willing to bend over backwards for others can lead to burn out and overwhelm. Other people assume that you are readily available to help, and so it can be even harder to say no when there is already a preconceived idea that you will and can help. If you find that you are a culprit of continuous people-pleasing and then find yourself inundated and stressed, practise taking a step back before rushing in to help. Here are a few tips to slow down the people-pleasing train:
1. Wait until others ask you for a favour before you jump in and say yes, even if they are expecting you to offer your help. When you always offer your help without first being asked, people tend to think it will be an automatic yes. Give yourself some time to pause and think about what you need first. Just because people expect you to offer doesn’t mean you have to volunteer your time and energy straight away. Wait for the request rather than being proactive and offering your help.
2. Know you are allowed to say no even if you can meet the request. You don’t have to explain why. You might not want to throw your routine out, you might be focusing on taking things at a slow pace, you might want to say no because you don’t want to be busy and that is completely ok. You’re allowed to say no!
3. Instead of going above and beyond to help someone out, consider helping just a little bit. For example, someone might ask your advice about finding a good lawyer. You might reply with ‘Yes I know a really good lawyer and I can ask them if they have any availability for you’. Instead, you could simply provide the lawyer’s name without going the extra mile. You might have the answers, but it doesn’t mean you have to make them happen. Sometimes it’s best when people do things for themselves.
When you fall into people-pleasing it doesn’t mean you are weak – in fact it can mean the opposite, that you are being too strong. You don’t need to take on everything for everyone. Instead, you are allowed to be human and take time out for yourself and not give yourself all away. Quite often people pleasers are capable, competent, and highly efficient. Why else would people be wanting your service, energy, and thoughtfulness all the time if you weren’t good at doing what you do!
This article was originally published on focusmagazine.co.nz and reposted with the permission from Dr. Madeleine Amie and focus magazine.
Categories: Psychology