Green flags for healthy boundary setting

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For those of us who have difficulty setting boundaries, it is very easy to put way too much emphasis on the negative experience of boundary setting. Everyone needs to keep healthy boundaries otherwise we end up being vulnerable to having everyone run all over us. We worry about damaging relationships or experiencing conflict if we set boundaries and make the stakes really high. Sometimes this will happen with other people and will probably be an indicator the relationship is not that healthy.

However, good boundary setting can help you have better, more satisfying relationships where we aren’t feeling used or empty. As a result we can give more when it is appropriate. When you’re a highly empathetic person, boundary setting can end up being a slippery slope.

Here are some green flags for establishing healthy boundaries:

Know your worth

Have you ever been in a situation where, in retrospect, if it was a friend of yours experiencing the same thing you would become angry or act assertively – because you wouldn’t want them to be treated badly? Yet when it comes to yourself it’s harder to act protectively.

Sometimes we don’t hold the same levels of respect for ourselves as we do for the people who are important to us. In doing so we let others treat us disrespectfully. Every single person on the planet deserves to be treated equally, with respect and dignity. Now that’s not going to always happen. There will be people out there that will be rude and behave poorly but know you deserve nothing less than to be treated well. Set that benchmark for yourself, know your worth and uphold those standards by setting a boundary or walking away. You deserve to be treated as an equal, with respect and dignity, no matter what. Close the door on bad behaviour and open the door to people who treat you with love and compassion.

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Say no and manage any feelings of guilt

When we have trouble with boundary setting it’s easy to feel guilty. We think too much about the other person’s feelings and stop thinking about our own. It’s important to learn how to manage our feelings of guilt when we set boundaries. Experiencing uncomfortable emotions can be part of normal boundary setting and we need to accept these so we can get to a better place in our relationships and wellbeing. Having healthy boundaries with other people is way better than storing up unwanted emotions. When you say yes out of obligation you end up bottling up negativity and resentment towards the other person or situation when this could be bypassed with a simple no.

Become in tune with where your feelings are coming from. Are they genuine, do you want to or are you just afraid of letting someone down and disappointing them? Can you work around that? Say yes because you want to not because you feel you have to.

Ask for what you want

If you are a thoughtful and conscientious person, it’s nice to have people do that for us. But not everyone is going to have similar values and actions. Sometimes people need a helping hand in knowing what you want. Why, you ask? It’s simple… it’s because they cannot read your mind.

Practise clearly communicating what you would like to happen and give people the opportunity to meet your needs. Asking for what you want can also make you feel guilty or that you are being a burden on people. Remember people can always say no and that is them practising their boundaries too. We are social creatures and healthy relationships are meant to be reciprocal and balanced. If you are always giving to relationships, make sure you give other people the opportunity to give back to you. Make sure you don’t end up doing all the work.

Create a safe space

This is important in any relationship in order to thrive. Everyone has disagreements, it’s how you get through them that is the important part.

Do you avoid expressing your emotions or raising disagreements for fear of conflict or conversations becoming too intense and heated? Do you suppress your own emotional needs for the sake of keeping the peace or because you feel they aren’t as important? Communicating in a safe and open way where each person is heard, and where you can work together to sort through problems is optimal but not always possible to do. Sometimes talking about creating a safe space to talk about emotional topics and boundaries is best done when you are not feeling overwhelmed and emotional. Lay some foundations and groundwork to be able to talk openly, express emotions, set boundaries and make requests before there is a need to address any of these areas.

Remember when you are setting boundaries be clear about what you want. Try not to be vague or keep people guessing about what you actually want. It’s nice if people can automatically understand what you want but chances are if you are having to set a boundary they haven’t quite picked up your wants. Be direct and don’t apologise for your needs. Everyone deserves to have boundaries and they are needed in any healthy relationship. Expect there will be some resistance with some people but don’t let that deter you. The more you practise the easier it gets and remember, setting boundaries is a process and you will thank yourself for putting you first and improving your own wellbeing.

This article was first published on focusmagazine.co.nz and is reposted with the permission of focus magazine and Dr. Madeleine Amie.

Categories: : Psychology