How to be assertive and get more of what you want
Dr Madeleine Amie 
Wouldn’t it be great to speak with confidence, stand your ground, and tell people how you really feel? It can be all too easy to not say what you really want and feel like you have to be polite to avoid conflict. But all this does is build up resentment and frustration.
I have been called a pushover and a people pleaser so many times – and have absolutely hated the fact I was being judged for it. As I have come to learn more about myself and my responses to situations, I’ve been able to access self-compassion and self-protective mechanisms to overcome giving in to people, and getting myself into sticky situations.
No one has the right to judge you on your lack of assertion and neither do you. Judgement doesn’t go very far but you have every capability to be self-compassionate and increase your assertiveness skills, build self-confidence and start getting more of what you want out of life.
A word of warning
Not everybody is going to like the ‘new’ you. If you have an easy going personality and you are finally starting to speak up, people will be surprised. Not everyone will adjust, depending on how much they were benefiting from your easy going nature and if they lack empathy towards others. This is not your problem – you’re not responsible for how they react to your assertiveness. It might take time for some people to get used to the new you but try not to fall back into passive habits just to keep other people happy.
How does passive behaviour develop?
Passive behaviour can arise out of many factors. Some examples are wanting to avoid possible confrontation because of anxiety, feeling a little insecure or not being self-assured, or growing up and not having the chance to develop assertiveness skills because that was not an option for you. When you are able to figure out the fundamental cause of your passive behaviour, it is easier to grow and overcome it.
What’s wrong with being passive?
Sure, you can keep being passive in situations to avoid confrontation… but this is self-sacrificing behaviour. All this does is eat away at you, leaving you exhausted and burnt out because you’re taking on everybody else’s wants and needs – all while excluding yourself. This makes it incredibly difficult to fill your cup up and re-energise yourself and can lead to low moods, loss of motivation, and loss of your own enjoyment.
You are here to live your life, not the life others want you to live for them. You are the only one in control of how you want to live your life.
The Benefits Of Being More Assertive
Imagine asking for the pay raise you deserve with confidence, saying no to people without feeling anxious or fearful that you’ll be causing conflict or letting someone down. When you’re able to express what you want and need while setting boundaries assertively, you have the freedom to be yourself and not hold back. You escape any worry of being your true self in front of others which is liberating. When you have effective assertiveness skills you are able to ask of people what you need without being demanding or aggressive. You’ll also be able to decline requests without guilt, fear, or worry. Once you get the assertiveness ball rolling it becomes easier with time, eventually it will feel natural to be bold and assert yourself when you need to.
Use these strategies to help yourself become more assertive:
Be direct about what you want.
Don’t fluff around, be vague or take a long time getting to your point. Get right in there and say what you mean. The more clear and concise you are, the more confidence you will exude. People will be more likely to take you seriously rather than thinking they can talk you out of it or you are not quite committing to what you are saying. Think about the key points you want to say.
Be prepared.
When people are trying to talk you down, you’ll find all of a sudden they have loads of questions. In more difficult situations, people start to repeat themselves in the hopes you’ll change your mind. If you can come up with a clear plan of action beforehand and a commitment with yourself that you won’t budge, you will be in a better position. If you find the person you are being assertive with doesn’t like your answers and is repeatedly asking you the same questions, just repeatedly answer them back.
Practise giving assertive responses.
Do you have a situation where you feel like you are repeatedly being walked over? Try practising a few responses to these situations so that you do not feel like a deer in headlights and next time it happens, you can spring into action with an assertive response.
Manager: Can you close up the shop tonight?
You: Actually, I closed up the shop three times this week already. I think it’s someone else’s turn.
You can be assertive without being rude or confrontational and without being passive. Aim for the ‘sweet spot’ in the middle between aggressive and passive communication; this is where you are more likely to set effective boundaries, have your needs met, and avoid being pushed around or manipulated by others.
Set clear boundaries.
Think about your boundaries before people try to walk all over them. When you have a clear idea in your mind of what your boundaries are, the clearer you will be able to communicate them and stick to them. When you back down easily on your boundaries you’re teaching others you just need a little convincing and your boundaries are easily worn away. When you have a strong idea of what is acceptable to you, it makes it much easier to be able to stand up for yourself. It also helps you be prepared for someone unexpectedly overstepping your boundaries.
This article was originally published on focusmagazine.co.nz and reposted with the permission from Dr. Madeleine Amie and focus magazine.
Categories: : Psychology